I am going to be brutally honest, its scary. Not only do I have to put my life on hold but I have always been that person that believed in adopting because there are way too many children out there without parents.
Its an idea that popped in my head at 5 years old. I was that one kid that would watch the adoption commercials and feel so bad for kids and start crying for them. Yea, I have always been a person with deep conviction. Its nothing I can escape, trust me, ive tried.
So remember when I was in the Philippines, well we got lucky because there are so many people that try for years. I am about 5 weeks along, so completely new to this idea of being a mom, yikes.
My husband new I never wanted to have kids, and if we did, I would like to adopt but after assessing our situation, I opened my mind and it happened. So these are the thoughts that have been rattling in my mind so far:
- Fuck, I have to put my life on hold
- Well now I really need to stay at my insitution and risk not moving up at the expense of my mental health, because there is no opportunity for upward movement
- That whole idea of me becoming an international admissions counselor, forget it. You will not be able to be away from home with a newborn more at 2 weeks at a time.
- How the hell do other people do it?
- Should I just go back to school now being that it would be the easiest thing to do?
- CRAP! I have to apply to new positions right now before I start showing…..people wont hire someone who looks pregnant. Why would they if I would need to be away after getting hired due to maternity leave.
- You know, this is why men advance at higher rates, they dont have to think about this shit and how to maneuver in their career.
- Elisabet, dont be resentful but I have to express how I feel
- I really dont want to hear what my sisters have to say…..too opinionated with too many kids. Stay way but I do need their help.
- Why did my mom look so dissapointed?
- Wait, how will I travel to schools with a big belly?
Yea, these among other topics have been floating in this head the last week. Ive been stressed, to say the least. Maybe I wasnt ready, but too late.
Lets just hope everything goes well. I know its a bit early to get excited since miscarriages are pretty common but I will try my best to be positive. Am I right to think all these things? I dont know but it does no service to bottle it all up.
So, im asking for your help. For those who have dependents and have moved up in the world, how did you do it? Did you go through the same crises?
#pregnant #working #struggle #firstworldproblems #highereducation #movingup #feminism #feminist #realitycheck #latinx