I never thought that I would fall more and more in love with my baby as days passed by.
My journey as a future mom to now, has been the easiest. I say that because after knowing so many with miscarriages, my cousin’s recent 8 month still born, and those that are trying to get pregnant, I’ve had it easy. Nonetheless, the birthing and nursing experience, and recovery time was difficult. And dont get me started on the breastfeeding and pumping.
To start, my baby was past due by a week and secondly, my vaginal birth became a cesarean, emergency cesarean at that. I don’t even know how to describe everything I went through because it’s something you want to quickly forget about and replace it by the birth of your beautiful baby. Now I know why people say, the pain is worth it: because it is and because it has to be.
Once induced, I was in labor for over 30 hours. I was induced by the use of prostaglandins, then using a Foley catheter or cervical ripening balloon, with pitocin and finally, rupturing my water. I mean they tried everything. All of it due to not dialating fast enough.
Let me tell you that in my experience that pain from the Foley was worse than my contractions. Once it was inserted, I started hyperventilating and all I could think was, “when is it going to end, make it fucking stop”, all while having contractions and dialating from 3cm to 8 cm in a matter of minutes.
I tried to embrace it but shit, it hurt like a mother. After going through so much pain and not getting close to full dialation, my doctors and nurses started to worry. Every single time I was injected with pitocin, my baby’s heart rate would go down, as a result we had to stop with the induction. It was then when they realized the baby was suffocating and breathing in his merconium, and an emergency C-section became the next move. Yes I know, dialated to 8cm and I still got a C-section, aint that some shit?
Regardless of all of this, I didn’t feel like I failed myself or my baby. Things just happen and thats life. All I thought as I was taken over to the room while shaking uncontroally from the drugs(and fear), was to let my baby and I live to enjoy our lives with daddy. In the end that’s all that mattered.
I sought solace in just knowing that life never could go as planned. I had to be open to anything and the opposite of what I expected happened. As I exited surgery with my husband and a new scar, it was pain and love from then on.
Recuperation is all a blur. All I remember is being high drugs, scratching intensely from the drugs, being in and out of sleep while my husband held our baby. It was bittersweet bliss.
So here is my takeaway: be open to anything, to life changing and going in the opposite direction you expected. Laugh at the pain, talk about the pain and be open to the love that is about to takeover your life.
Momma, this is the best love you will ever find and I hope you get to experience it. There is nothing like it. I promise.
#newmom #madre #wokemom #chingona #mentalhealth