Shit went down.
A couple of months ago my partner and I decided to buy a house, while going through the process of dealing postpartum pain, learning how to take care of a new bundle of joy, new job and still a new marriage. My husband was fortunate enough to have parental leave of up to 4 months, while I had to put my feelings to the side, still be pain from my C-section and go back to work at 8 weeks postpartum.
We were really lucky for that but I somewhat am resentful that I had to go back to work after all that work of being pregnant and going through labor; to end one of the most precious moments you will never get back.
All while this was going on, my husband relapsed from his PTSD and I, had to repress my emotions to take care of him and the baby. I never told him that and it only hit me when his therapist asked how I felt, and all I said was, “pushed to the side”.
For a moment there my husband kept saying that I might have postpartum depression but when you go through so many transitions and get hit with something so traumatic, you get tired. Im not depressed but my anxiety has increased over the past couple of months.
At this point, my workplace is the place I seek peace. Its pretty bizarre that the one place that caused so many problems is now where I turn to, to relax. Im not saying that the issues I had posted about dont matter, they do but I dont have time to deal with that stuff anymore. I just think positively, speak up when I have to and always have data at hand in case I have to prove myself.
Im just tired and I hope this doesnt come back and bite me in the ass for not dealing with my emotions ealier. I wish I could have expressed this to my husband but as we all know, when you have your partner has PTSD, the last thing you want is to cause is more anxiety. I wish I had friends to talk to, that I could depend on.
My husband has a great support system and everyone showed up for him when he was going through his relapse, and all I could feel was pure loneliness. Because the one time I needed him, I couldnt depend on him or lean on him emotionally but thats not his fault. He did his best and he did marvelously.
Those moments for me, were moments of reflection. It had me thinking of what would happen if I went through all that, who would be there? If I died tomorrow, would they even notice? Till this day, I still feel like I have no one, and thats on me. I may need to try harder at being a better friend, sister, aunt, cousin, daughter, wife and mom because right now, I just dont think im cutting it.
My advice: if you ever feel like this, dont stay to yourelf, reach out. Talk to someone about your feelings. This is my outlet, find yours. As always, if you ever need a listening ear, im here.