Category Archives: latinx

Working Pumping mom of Color

Let me tell ya, its rough! Demonization of brown people, exists. Its so hard to find pieces that talk about how white couterparts blame specifically, people of color for their incompetence and lack of success.

Its one thing to have evidence that you have perhaps whispered into a higher ups ear about someone else’s work or that your failure is directly impacted by someone else’s negligence but to make blanket statements of, “I dont like how you manage her (me)” or “how come you have this and I dont?” or “what are you telling our boss?” Its odd.

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Since I have started in the role of International Admissions, I have been thrown under the bus so many times. Its nothing new to me. It started back when I started as a counselor. Let me tell you, its never been a person of color that has ever thrown me under the bus and if they did, their words never came back to me.

My life with the few workers of color at my school has been cordial with a subtle understanding that, this shit is crazy and as people of color, we need to stick together. Their words, not mine. Why is it so much easier for us to get a long with other people of color? I know, because we know that we are outsiders together trying to look in.

I am grateful that my boss is brown and understands where I am coming from., otherwise it would be lonelier. Why is it so easy for peple to pick on those who are succeeding? Why is it so easy to pick on someone of color rather than focusing on their boss and their development.

This is too much. Ya me canse de las chingaderas….of the times I have been reported to my higher ups, not once has it had merit.

Word of advice: always work with integrity and ask, “what is the problem and how can I do better?” That way, it becomes their responsbility and they cant say, you didnt want to improve. FUCK white fragility.

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Oh yea, to top it off, im also pumping. Im exhausted all the time but at least I know something good comes from that…

PTSD and Postpartum-something

Shit went down.

A couple of months ago my partner and I decided to buy a house, while going through the process of dealing postpartum pain, learning how to take care of a new bundle of joy, new job and still a new marriage. My husband was fortunate enough to have parental leave of up to 4 months, while I had to put my feelings to the side, still be pain from my C-section and go back to work at 8 weeks postpartum.

We were really lucky for that but I somewhat am resentful that I had to go back to work after all that work of being pregnant and going through labor; to end one of the most precious moments you will never get back.

All while this was going on, my husband relapsed from his PTSD and I, had to repress my emotions to take care of him and the baby. I never told him that and it only hit me when his therapist asked how I felt, and all I said was, “pushed to the side”.

For a moment there my husband kept saying that I might have postpartum depression but when you go through so many transitions and get hit with something so traumatic, you get tired. Im not depressed but my anxiety has increased over the past couple of months.

At this point, my workplace is the place I seek peace. Its pretty bizarre that the one place that caused so many problems is now where I turn to, to relax. Im not saying that the issues I had posted about dont matter, they do but I dont have time to deal with that stuff anymore. I just think positively, speak up when I have to and always have data at hand in case I have to prove myself.

Im just tired and I hope this doesnt come back and bite me in the ass for not dealing with my emotions ealier. I wish I could have expressed this to my husband but as we all know, when you have your partner has PTSD, the last thing you want is to cause is more anxiety. I wish I had friends to talk to, that I could depend on.

My husband has a great support system and everyone showed up for him when he was going through his relapse, and all I could feel was pure loneliness. Because the one time I needed him, I couldnt depend on him or lean on him emotionally but thats not his fault. He did his best and he did marvelously.

Those moments for me, were moments of reflection. It had me thinking of what would happen if I went through all that, who would be there? If I died tomorrow, would they even notice? Till this day, I still feel like I have no one, and thats on me. I may need to try harder at being a better friend, sister, aunt, cousin, daughter, wife and mom because right now, I just dont think im cutting it.

My advice: if you ever feel like this, dont stay to yourelf, reach out. Talk to someone about your feelings. This is my outlet, find yours. As always, if you ever need a listening ear, im here.

Extra Milk Please

I never thought that I would fall more and more in love with my baby as days passed by.

My journey as a future mom to now, has been the easiest. I say that because after knowing so many with miscarriages, my cousin’s recent 8 month still born, and those that are trying to get pregnant, I’ve had it easy. Nonetheless, the birthing and nursing experience, and recovery time was difficult. And dont get me started on the breastfeeding and pumping.

To start, my baby was past due by a week and secondly, my vaginal birth became a cesarean, emergency cesarean at that. I don’t even know how to describe everything I went through because it’s something you want to quickly forget about and replace it by the birth of your beautiful baby. Now I know why people say, the pain is worth it: because it is and because it has to be.

Once induced, I was in labor for over 30 hours. I was induced by the use of prostaglandins, then using a Foley catheter or cervical ripening balloon, with pitocin and finally, rupturing my water. I mean they tried everything. All of it due to not dialating fast enough.

Let me tell you that in my experience that pain from the Foley was worse than my contractions. Once it was inserted, I started hyperventilating and all I could think was, “when is it going to end, make it fucking stop”, all while having contractions and dialating from 3cm to 8 cm in a matter of minutes.

I tried to embrace it but shit, it hurt like a mother. After going through so much pain and not getting close to full dialation, my doctors and nurses started to worry. Every single time I was injected with pitocin, my baby’s heart rate would go down, as a result we had to stop with the induction. It was then when they realized the baby was suffocating and breathing in his merconium, and an emergency C-section became the next move. Yes I know, dialated to 8cm and I still got a C-section, aint that some shit?

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Regardless of all of this, I didn’t feel like I failed myself or my baby. Things just happen and thats life. All I thought as I was taken over to the room while shaking uncontroally from the drugs(and fear),  was to let my baby  and I live to enjoy our lives with daddy. In the end that’s all that mattered.

I sought solace in just knowing that life never could go as planned. I had to be open to anything and the opposite of what I expected happened. As I exited surgery with my husband and a new scar, it was pain and love from then on.

Recuperation is all a blur. All I remember is being high drugs, scratching intensely from the drugs, being in and out of sleep while my husband held our baby. It was bittersweet bliss.

So here is my takeaway: be open to anything, to life changing and going in the opposite direction you expected. Laugh at the pain, talk about the pain and be open to the love that is about to takeover your life.

Momma, this is the best love you will ever find and I hope you get to experience it. There is nothing like it. I promise.

#newmom #madre #wokemom #chingona #mentalhealth

affection baby barefoot blur
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Landing It

This past week is one that called for deep reflection of the type of mom and professional I would potentially become. I am fortunate enough to be able to work from home on my days before my due date. You have seen me go through many things, ranging from mild depression and angst due to the sudden pregnancy to navigating the field whilst pregnant. So many things have happened in the last couple of months, some would say out of pure luck and others would say due to hardwork.

The last couple of months I have been shadowing our international counselor in order to learn a new skillset of recruiting and assisting students from different regions of the world. It was an attempt to be able to not plateau in my career. I hate being bored and I always need to be challenged. Since then, the international counselor has left the university and I decided to take on some of his duties while also completing my own. After doing it for about three months, I was given the opporutnity to interview for the position. I then became one of two of the finalist for the position.

I got the news two weeks after that the offer was made to the other candidate. I went into the interview knowing that I might not be the best option for the university, however I gave it my all because I had done the work the last couple of months. I went in there knowing my worth and what I was capable doing and sold it. I knew that in the end, the interviewers had the job of determining whether either candidate was compatible for the position. I was okay with rejection.

As a result, the last three weeks I took a step back and reassessed my decision to interview because if the candidate for some reason declined, I would be the runner up. For the last week I have focused on my main job from home. Fast forward to yesterday, I got a call that the candidate declined and I was made an offer. My director then asked, “so are you interested?” and despite me being excited in the inside, I still had to negotiate. You dont always have to show your hand. All I said was, “im 50/50 and it depends on your offer letter. So I will wait”. We left it at that.

Point is: go for something even though you dont meet the entire checklist of preferences or requirements. Take the risk because theres nothing to lose, only the possiblity to gain. I decided to step out of my comfort zone just with the intent of learning something new. I didnt meet the entire checklist, however all I did was prepare! And although I cannot guarantee that you will have the same outcome, I can guarantee that if you do it with the intent of learning something new, you will walk away with a different skillset, and that makes you more marketable.

Now the challenge is the baby and travel but, hubby and I will cross that bridge when it comes. That is a whole other blog entry and I promise ill come back to it.

For now do read Harvard Business Review, Why Women Don’t Apply for Jobs Unless They’re 100% Qualified”

I promise, its a good article. Adelante chingonas, you got this!

#despierta #featured #highereducation #lifestyle #woke #adelante #chingonapower #chingona

woman wearing white t shirt and blue denim bottoms
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Moving Up- Tips

I’m in a good place. Our university was going through some tough times for a while and things have settled down, somewhat. Finally, the person that deserves to be a director (my supervisor) is finally my boss. He was my long time mentor and now I can safely say I have someone who I trust with my development. After 4 years of working hard, staying loyal and doing my best, I received a promotion and a raise but it was by pure luck. It was just something that happened coincidentally while also remaining vigilant of my environment.

I am lucky to have someone that trusts his employees but sees them as human beings with lives. Someone who understands the balance of life; Of not only having a professional but also a personal life. So how did I get here?

  1. I remained loyal
  2. Worked hard
  3. Found mentors
  5. Kept myself relevant

Loyalty means a lot to a company, especially in higher education and especially in admissions. Turnover is very much existent and having a seasoned department is rare. So remaining with the institution for as long as I have, while also taking advantage of the many opportunities offered to me and consistently stepping out of my comfort zone, has attributed to my promotion.

Worked hard. Yes I was that one person who stayed longer and sometimes way after my bosses left and gave updates about my whereabouts, no matter who was my boss at the time. Sometimes I would even stay at work until 10 pm and would easily have over 12 hour work days. I never kept that to myself and I always shared my progress because not everyone would do it and it clearly would show my passion for what I did. I wouldnt do it because I wanted a promotion or a raise, I stayed and did the extra work because I loved working with students. That is what people want to see. If you do decide to do this, just be careful, people are very quick to take advantage of people’s passions. When you see that happen, figure out how to scale up or down. The extra work youre doing, thats on you, so they shouldnt exploit it for their own gains. Just know your worth.

Mentor. I always, no matter where I was mentally and emotionally, found mentors inside and outside of my employer. Someone to help me move up within the university and an outsider that would help me without any negative agendas. Be aware of who your allies will be but always question everything. No matter who you connect with or talk to, everyone has their own agenda, negative or positive. Just be observant and close to those who provide real support. Be picky.

You cant find proper mentors without scanning within an institution and out, so make sure to network. I was always the type that stayed away from crowds. I valued a personal sit down than a whole audience to talk to. My advice, go to an event with the intent of at least walking away with knowing one person and contact information and ALWAYS follow up. For my introverts, I usually plan my conversations and walk in there with intent. It makes me feel better about controlling the situation. I dont really do it much now only because I have learned to improvise and talk to people on the spot, but its something that has helped me along the way.

Lastly, keep yourself relevant. Know where you stand and how much your worth. Talk to people at other schools or companies, with similar positions. Get to know what they do and the capacity they work in. Only then you will know whether you are overworking or under-working

Best of luck to everyone!

#latinx #latin@ #xicana #highereducation #pregnant&aspirational

A Dark Place- 10 Pounds In

I was definitely in a dark place in the last post. Struggling with this new event in my life and worrying of whether I would fall in the same track as my sisters and mom with depression was excruciating. One thing is for sure, when you start letting people know about your news, it becomes something else. It goes from becoming this heavy burden to something joyous and unbelievable. My advice, I know you probably want to keep this little piece of news between you and your partner, but when you start sharing this news with your loved ones, the gifts start coming, and theres unconditional support and love galore (for those who are fortunate to have it).

In my eyes, and its probably from society’s doing, I felt like men would see me as passed due merchandise (as if I could ever see myself any lower than this) and I believed I would dissapoint the women in my life who I have preached to about doing me first.

Nothing could be the opposite and these thoughts only showed me how much self-esteem I lacked. My insecurities ran deeper than what I thought and its partially to how I was raised. Growing up I wanted to be the opposite of my primas; not bear children until I was older. I come from a family that believed having kids in high schools was the norm and that being in gangs was the only way out. I soon saw myself running in the opposite direction of what my primas and primos were doing. I didnt want to lose at life but its taken me this long to figure out that creating life is something out of this world. It is incomprehensible.

The men I told in my life, especially my peers and boss, were unbelievably supportive. To quote, “I hope you know that a woman’s body is a powerful thing, you can do anything”. When my boss told me this, I was shook. I grew up believing that being pregnant was giving up on my life but its not. It is about creating a new life, a new path, and turning a new leaf. For those who choose to have children and are in a dark place, know this, you are invincible. You are stronger than you think and you are great, regardless of what people tell you. You do not need a child to validate or invalidate you, nor a husband or wife. You are enough.

I may have chosen this path and maybe it was not in my original plan, and yes im fucking scared because my vagina is about to get really stretched out (TMI) but damn i’m giving birth to a human and theres nothing more fitting that this to a cis and trans-wombyn. Whether you want to live it or not, we were placed in this earth to bare children, and I find comfort in that. So believe in yourself and believe in what your body can do!

P.s First trimester I rarely had nausea or was vomiting. Now in my second trimester, I have a bit more energy but cramping. Its almost the size of a peach. My boobs hurt and I have a horrible pain on my back resulting in me not being able to bend forward. So far I think I have had it easy compared to other mothers to be. Best of luck!And yes im still aspiring to start a PhD program but not yet. I still dont know what I want to do.

#futuremom #futuredra #latina #postpartum #combatinganxiety #latinainhighered #mentalhealth

Shit, I’m Pregnant- That Was Fast

I am going to be brutally honest, its scary. Not only do I have to put my life on hold but I have always been that person that believed in adopting because there are way too many children out there without parents.

Its an idea that popped in my head at 5 years old. I was that one kid that would watch the adoption commercials and feel so bad for kids and start crying for them. Yea, I have always been a person with deep conviction. Its nothing I can escape, trust me, ive tried.

So remember when I was in the Philippines, well we got lucky because there are so many people that try for years. I am about 5 weeks along, so completely new to this idea of being a mom, yikes.

My husband new I never wanted to have kids, and if we did, I would like to adopt but after assessing our situation, I opened my mind and it happened. So these are the thoughts that have been rattling in my mind so far:

  • Fuck, I have to put my life on hold
  • Well now I really need to stay at my insitution and risk not moving up at the expense of my mental health, because there is no opportunity for upward movement
  • That whole idea of me becoming an international admissions counselor, forget it. You will not be able to be away from home with a newborn more at 2 weeks at a time.
  • How the hell do other people do it?
  • WHY?WHY?!
  • Should I just go back to school now being that it would be the easiest thing to do?
  • CRAP! I have to apply to new positions right now before I start showing…..people wont hire someone who looks pregnant. Why would they if I would need to be away after getting hired due to maternity leave.
  • You know, this is why men advance at higher rates, they dont have to think about this shit and how to maneuver in their career.
  • Elisabet, dont be resentful but I have to express how I feel
  • I really dont want to hear what my sisters have to say…..too opinionated with too many kids. Stay way but I do need their help.
  • Why did my mom look so dissapointed?
  • Wait, how will I travel to schools with a big belly?

Yea, these among other topics have been floating in this head the last week. Ive been stressed, to say the least. Maybe I wasnt ready, but too late.

Lets just hope everything goes well. I know its a bit early to get excited since miscarriages are pretty common but I will try my best to be positive. Am I right to think all these things? I dont know but it does no service to bottle it all up.

So, im asking for your help. For those who have dependents and have moved up in the world, how did you do it? Did you go through the same crises?

#pregnant #working #struggle #firstworldproblems #highereducation #movingup #feminism #feminist #realitycheck #latinx